Reflections

I have a confession. Sometimes I squander time.

I did it today. I squandered time. I think I even killed some of it.

Now, I respect time. It wasn't long ago that I longed for more time. Stuck at my desk for 8 hours a day, I daydreamed about free time. I thought wistfully of all the things I could create with my spare hours.

And now that I have hours to spare, I do make use of them. Sometimes I write, churning out songs or ideas. Sometimes I brainstorm and plan. Sometimes I, ahem, run marathons.

And sometimes I sit in my jammies and watch movie trailers on the internet.

It depends on the day.

My life is a funny series of highs and lows right now. It is not uncommon for me to have an amazing day followed by a depressing one, or the other way around. I don't believe I'm a person who's generally prone to depression, but without the stability of a daily job, it's easy for me to lose my footing. Today, I'm a little bit wrong-footed.

It's okay though. Tomorrow will likely be better.

My mom once told me that the tough times in life are actually the growing times. It's when you're breathing easy that you're coasting. That made a lot of sense to me, and it helps now to remember it. Even on a low day, I can look back and be proud of my accomplishments this year.

I remember being on BART one evening, racing from my job to choir rehearsal, sweaty and rumpled and running late. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the darkened window: a young woman with her pants legs rolled up, pinned into a seat by her bicycle, knitting balanced on her knees. Scratches on her legs and helmet head, singing softly under the roar of the train.

I thought: She looks like an interesting person.

And then I felt pleased, pleased that she was me.

Sometimes looking ahead is daunting. Sometimes, just being in the moment is exhausting. I'm not sure where I'm headed or what I'm doing half the time.

But when I look in the mirror, there's an interesting person looking back at me.

She's still in her pajamas, but what the hell.