Shooting for a grand total of 2 posts in October

Hello.

Remember me? It's okay if you don't. I haven't been here much lately.

See, first I was preparing like mad for my big show. And then, I was resting like crazy from my big show. I was thoroughly exhausted. I had to turn my brain off completely, as it turns out. Honestly. I haven't had a creative thought in 2 weeks.

But I'm resurfacing now. And what do you know? It looks like autumn.

The show went wonderfully. Better than I'd expected. And I had far more fun than I expected, too, especially given that my stress-o-meter was at an all time high in the days preceding the gig.

You know what I learned? I liked talking to the audience. I was nervous that I wouldn't know what to say, and I'd had no time to prepare any notes. But when it came time to talk about the songs, or introduce the band, it came very naturally to me. I really enjoyed those parts of the show.

I also learned that performing my own music (well, our shared music) is so gratifying. It really feels different, singing your own songs. They weren't all winners. But each of them meant something to me, and singing the words that I wrote myself felt pretty damn good. It was also incredible to get feedback on the songs themselves, not just the performance. That was a first, and it inspired me to go out and write some more.

I do love to write. You'd never know it, given how often I've been posting lately, but it is one of my favorite things to do. November 1st marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write an entire novel - 50 thousand words - in one month. I first learned about NaNo last year, when my friend Katie participated. I was fascinated by the process and the idea behind it, which is: just write. Don't worry about whether it's good, just get it out. So many of us would-be novelists remain would-be novelists until the day we die. Crank one out, care more for quantity and less for quality, and get that first novel monkey off your back. Then go back later and figure out if you wrote anything worthwhile. Or if maybe you've got a better second novel hiding behind that crappy first novel.

I love this idea. And I've been thinking of participating ever since last year. I've even been getting kind of excited about it, except for this one problem that I have: I don't have any ideas.

I told you, I haven't had a creative thought in several weeks. And I've been OK with that; obviously my brain's needed a rest, but it does rather pose a problem at the advent of novel-writing season.

Plus, I've got other things to do. I do need to get some writing done, but it should be songwriting, and blog writing. As much as I want to write a novel - and I do; I always have - I think it might have to wait until next year. Right now, I'm a bit preoccupied.

Or I will be, as soon as my brain comes back from hiatus.

Still, I do love a challenge, and obviously an impetus to write couldn't hurt, so I'm going to claim November as my own writing month. Perhaps I'll write a blog post every day. Perhaps I'll write 30 songs, one for every day of the month. I don't know yet. But by Saturday I'll have figured out just how I intend to claim November. I'll let you know what I decide.

Then on Sunday, I'll start.

Nerves

I've come to the conclusion that deciding to be a singer means that I spend half my life feeling low because I've got no upcoming gigs, and the other half trying not to vomit because I do.

"Come to my show!" I implore people as I pass out postcards, send out email blasts, accost strangers on the street. "You should come to my show!"

but maybe you shouldn't come to my show

says a little voice in the back of my head.

"I hope you'll come to my show!" I tell friends and acquaintances, smiling brightly and trying to ignore that little voice that's saying

maybe you shouldn't come, I'm not sure we're ready

"It's going to be great!" Big smile! Big smile!

I feel a little schizophrenic.

"That's always the way it is," said Vernon when I admitted my nerves to him. "You never feel ready," agreed Leah, after I confided my worries.

"It's going to be great," they both told me, emphatically.

I trust my friends. And I trust myself. And after yesterday's rehearsal with part of the band, I do feel an awful lot calmer. It's absolutely amazing how the addition of a guitar and some drums can suddenly make your tangle of lyrics and melody sound like a song. And a good song, at that!

But still, there's so much to do! Incredible: the months and months of work that go into a single tune, and then you have one chance to sing it, and it's over in 4 minutes. Months of creation, compromise, arrangement, argument, re-arrangement and approval, distilled into 4 minutes, and relying completely on your single-shot delivery. It's scary.

"That's always the way it is," Vernon said again. "You're always advertising a show you don't feel completely comfortable with. But it will come together. It always does." He clasped me on the shoulder.

"It's going to be a really good show," he said earnestly.

A huge sigh escaped me; a moment's relief stole into my body with the next breath. I returned his smile.

"Yes it is," I said.

And it is.

So, come to my show! You should come to my show!

maybe you shouldn't come to my show

Shut up. No, you should totally come. It's going to be great.