Nerves

I've come to the conclusion that deciding to be a singer means that I spend half my life feeling low because I've got no upcoming gigs, and the other half trying not to vomit because I do.

"Come to my show!" I implore people as I pass out postcards, send out email blasts, accost strangers on the street. "You should come to my show!"

but maybe you shouldn't come to my show

says a little voice in the back of my head.

"I hope you'll come to my show!" I tell friends and acquaintances, smiling brightly and trying to ignore that little voice that's saying

maybe you shouldn't come, I'm not sure we're ready

"It's going to be great!" Big smile! Big smile!

I feel a little schizophrenic.

"That's always the way it is," said Vernon when I admitted my nerves to him. "You never feel ready," agreed Leah, after I confided my worries.

"It's going to be great," they both told me, emphatically.

I trust my friends. And I trust myself. And after yesterday's rehearsal with part of the band, I do feel an awful lot calmer. It's absolutely amazing how the addition of a guitar and some drums can suddenly make your tangle of lyrics and melody sound like a song. And a good song, at that!

But still, there's so much to do! Incredible: the months and months of work that go into a single tune, and then you have one chance to sing it, and it's over in 4 minutes. Months of creation, compromise, arrangement, argument, re-arrangement and approval, distilled into 4 minutes, and relying completely on your single-shot delivery. It's scary.

"That's always the way it is," Vernon said again. "You're always advertising a show you don't feel completely comfortable with. But it will come together. It always does." He clasped me on the shoulder.

"It's going to be a really good show," he said earnestly.

A huge sigh escaped me; a moment's relief stole into my body with the next breath. I returned his smile.

"Yes it is," I said.

And it is.

So, come to my show! You should come to my show!

maybe you shouldn't come to my show

Shut up. No, you should totally come. It's going to be great.