Facebook

I knew it. I knew it! After pledging that I wouldn't, I just joined Facebook and I am already regretting my decision.

A friend from high school tricked me into joining, promising photos of his adorable toddler, who's just starting to walk. "He can do 7 steps in a row before toppling over," he tempted me, and I was hooked - I had to see the baby pictures, I just had to.

So I created an account and started clicking on people I recognize. And blammo! I've got about a zillion friends. Only I didn't realize that they were all going to be notified that I'd just joined Facebook - and I certainly didn't realize that I was going to get an email every time someone accepted me as their friend.

What the hell? Suddenly my inbox was flooded with emails. I realize this makes me sound very popular, but I've been ignoring friend requests from Facebook for quite some time now, so I think all those people became my friends automatically - and I got an email notification for each and every one of them.

So I'm freaking out over all this email and then I notice The Wall. What is this thing? It's frighteningly up-to-date with inane bits of information about every person I've ever met in my life! Michele is making vegetable pot pie! Alvin is having hot chocolate! Heather had her bikes stolen! (I'm really sorry to hear about that, by the way.)

And then I noticed that Facebook was tracking my movements. Errin just edited her profile, it said. Errin and Leah are now friends. Errin just sneezed and rubbed her nose.

Okay, I made up that last one. But it freaked me out! I feel like I'm being watched.

More accurately, I feel like I'm under pressure to watch everyone else. Michele has 31 photos posted. Well damn, I've got to look at those. Never mind that I'm hungry, my laundry is waiting and I've had to pee for 20 minutes, I have to look at Michele's photos right now because they are there. And because there are several hundred other people that I've got to investigate next.

I am unemployed and I still don't have the time that Facebook requires me to invest.

I feel a tremendous pressure to absorb all the information that is now available to me online. This is the new media, folks. The media created by the people you know. I am drowning in it.

I figured out that I could adjust my preferences so that I'm not notified for every friend request. So that's a relief. But then I realized that this means I'll have keep logging in to see if people are trying to connect with me. And wait - hold on - I've had 6 new notifications in the last 15 minutes!

What happens if I don't respond in a timely fashion? What if I forget to log in? Will I be hurting peoples' feelings? I don't want to do that! This is a huge responsibility! I seriously feel my blood pressure starting to rise.

You know what this is like? This is like having a virtual pet. It's like one of those digi-fish that you have to log in to feed. My cousin used to have one of those. I couldn't understand why someone would want to take on the responsibility of keeping a virtual animal alive. I don't even have a real pet because for years I've had nightmares that I would forget to feed it and it would eat me. Honest to God. In my dream I'd suddenly say, "Oh! I just remembered that I have a bunny! Jeez, I wonder when was the last time that I fed that thing?" And then I'd go to the rabbit pen and the bunny would be staring at me with its scary red eyes, and then it would launch itself at my face and try to eat me.

Facebook is like having a virtual pet, and I'm going to forget to feed it and it's going to eat me.

I'm freaking out. I'm logging off.