Letter to a neighbor

Hi there,

We're your neighbors from across the way, Errin and Monte. Just wanted to say hi and congratulate you on getting that new motion sensor light for your front porch. Wow, it's bright.

We can understand how it probably makes you feel a little more secure in this neighborhood, having recently been robbed ourselves. But the thing is, that light shines right into our bedroom window. And the other thing is, ha, it seems to be going a little haywire.

Haven't you noticed? We're not quite sure how you haven't noticed, because it's been going ON-OFF ON-OFF ON-OFF ON-OFF all night long. And did we mention that it's bright? Yes, that is one bright light you've got there! Shine-right-through-your-bedroom-blinds-and-your-closed-eyelids bright.

And that motion sensor is pretty clever, isn't it? If it senses so much as a squirrel, it's LIGHTS ON! And then after a moment the lights go off. What an energy saver! LIGHTS ON! Lights off. That's fantastic, it truly is. We've all gotta do our part, you know, for the planet. Ha.

Ever notice how blinking lights make you feel a little crazy after awhile? A little, idunno, insane-o? That's funny, right?

We're sure you're aware that we share some pretty close quarters. And we've got no problem with your sometimes-yappy dog or your penchant for late night gardening. After all, dogs will bark. And a garden needs attention, even after dar--

LIGHTS ON! Wow! That light is piercing my brain! Are you signaling ships with that thing? Have the neighborhood squirrels figured out how to create an impromptu disco? Don't tell me you don't see it. Unless you sleep with your head in a burlap sack, you've got to be aware that your porch light is communicating in Morse Code. Lights off.

LIGHTS ON! Oh, this is just great. Now Monte, the lightest of sleepers at the best of times, is having strobe-induced nightmares. "Don't you punch my head!" he's shouting, flinging the covers on the floor. And oh, super, I have spilled my bedside glass of water directly in my lap. That's just awesome. That's just - Lights off.

We are wide awake, dripping wet, and angry at you.

You need to fix that porch light. Or we could come by and fix it for you. With a baseball bat.

Your Neighbors,
Errin and Monte