The new Thirtysomething

You ever wonder what women in their thirties talk about?

From: Giada
Subject: Wow
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

I don’t know what is going on with the world lately, but I had a totally ridiculous weekend and I am still trying to come to terms with it. I spent the whole weekend with my college friend Sara, who has one daughter and is due again in January. We visited our friend Catlin who already has two kids. Then we had lunch with my parents yesterday, and all my mom wanted to talk about was grandkids and Sara’s new little one. I was completely bombarded with baby/pregnancy talk, and I think it finally sent me over the deep end last night. I am seriously wondering if I live in the current century, or if it is still the 1950’s and that is the true measure of a woman’s worth: whether she has a family, and how many kids does she want?

I don’t mean to be insensitive to my friends, but really! I felt so outside of the conversation, I was starting to wonder if they could even conceive of the idea that maybe that was not the only type of existence that one might want at age thirty-something… It made me just want to rebel against the whole thing. I have resurrected my idea of moving into a warehouse and turning it into a painting studio. All the baby talk was stifling to say the least.

Do I sound totally ridiculous? Part of the problem is that I think that I am supposed to want that life, but now I am wondering if I have just been brainwashed.

(No offense meant, Heidi!)

Not to mention that work is unsatisfying right now, and I just don’t seem to have enough creative energy left at the end of the day to paint. I’m not sure if that is an excuse though, or if it is the brainwashing.

Signed,
Confused and Uninspired


From: Heidi
Subject: RE: Wow
To: Errin, Giada, Morgan

No offense taken.

I just got back from dropping Leo and Patrick off at the airport. They are off to Maine for 3 weeks. I got a little teary eyed, but I stopped myself from crying by thinking about my 3 weeks of freedom.

I’m so sorry if any of you are feeling baby pressure. If that is a role you are ready for, then it really is wonderful. You guys would all be amazing parents and I think any kids you may have in the future would be irresistibly lovable! Yes, it is a wonderful experience, but I do believe that my life could be just as satisfying and fulfilling without ever being a parent. Maybe that's why I'm such a good candidate for surrogacy - I don't get too attached. (Well, that and the fact that I have such easy pregnancies.)

Regardless, I love you guys for who you are today and how you impact my life in a positive way, not for who you may become in the future.

Thank you for accepting me, and Leo, with open arms, despite the fact that I'm the only mom (and to an 8-yr-old, no less!). You never made me feel like I was different. You are all perfect just the way you are – no babies (or even husbands) needed!

Signed,
Knocked up with Someone Else's Kid


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: Wow
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

My mother would say that our problem is that we all need to find rich men to marry, so that we may live lives of leisure, be they child-full or child-free. I think she's only partially kidding.

Anyway Giada, I think converting a warehouse into a painting studio is an awesome idea. You should totally look into that, and later on, if you discover you haven't been brainwashed after all, you can clear a little corner for a baby. I hear they don't take up much space.

I made the mistake today of Googling my friend Mike, who's on that TV show Mad Men. (Anybody seen it?) Well, I didn't realize he'd become such a big deal. Dimly I'd understood that a character role on a popular television series is a fairly big career move, but being that I don't have cable, I haven't kept up with the show. And when all these articles and photos popped up on my screen I was mildly shocked. The guy's had a photo spread in Playboy's Style Section, for heaven's sake! And all thoughts of babies just flew out of my head as I thought to myself, "God, I've got to get going on my career. Like, NOW."

Mike and I used to walk around New York City and ponder the distant future, wherein he was an eminent actor and I was a successful singer. Now he's broken out and I'm just broke.

I bought a secondhand guitar yesterday. I was determined to master it and launch myself as a singer-songwriter. I spent today staring at the guitar, too overwhelmed by it to actually pick it up. Yeah. These career plans are skyrocketing.

Signed,
Not Famous and Childless to Boot


From: Morgan
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Wow
To: Errin, Giada, Heidi

Giada, I love your warehouse studio idea. You should go for it. The world needs more of your art in it.

Errin, don't get discouraged. You have the talent, and now you have the guitar! You'll get there.

So I went house hunting this past weekend. It was my second time going out with a realtor. The first time I took Justin, which seemed like a good idea in the moment, but was probably not.

There was a cute little house that I had my eye on and we went to take a look at it. But when we got there, the realtor couldn't open the door. She jiggled the key in the lock for several minutes but it just wouldn't budge. We considered going through the doggy door but eventually opted against it. So we left that neighborhood and went to look at some other houses, none of which I liked quite as much. Some weren't even in my price range.

I found out today that another couple made a bid on the house, and I was surprised by how disappointed I felt. I wonder if they went through the doggy door? If they did, they probably deserve it more than me.

In other news, two of my closest work friends are leaving this month, which has hit me hard. And Justin's sister and her kids are coming to stay with us this weekend, which, I must admit, doesn't thrill me. I've only met her a couple of times and she wasn't super receptive to me. I guess I brought this on myself, but it still feels like life is particularly tough lately.

Signed,
House Hunting in Utah, of All Places


From: Giada
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Wow
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

Okay! Well then, the search is on for a live/work space!

Signed,
Stuff It, Baby-Makers


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Wow
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

Morg, I just want to point out that your Facebook status update yesterday said how much you were enjoying life in Utah. Not to undermine what you just said about life being tough, but just to remind you that life can seem really tough one day and be really great the next day. So just hang in there till tomorrow and there might be a shift!

Unless of course you want to ditch it all and come back to California, which seems like an entirely sensible decision to me. : )

Regarding Justin's sister, I think you just have to embrace the awkwardness. Just be your usual open and sunny self, and if she treats you strangely, give her a big smile and hit her with a statement like, "Guess I'm not going to marry your brother after all! Funny how life turns out, isn't it?"

She's not going to be your sister-in-law and you don't have to be friends. But she does have to be gracious and appreciative when she's staying in your home. Don't hesitate to remind her of that, if she forgets.

This might be a good opportunity (after they leave) to re-visit the topic of your living situation with Justin. He might see the merits of having his own space after such a crowded weekend.

Signed,
Not to Be Blunt, But it's Time to Kick That Man Off Your Couch


From: Morgan
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Wow
To: Errin, Giada, Heidi

Yeah, well, I went for a really great bike ride yesterday, which is why I was so upbeat. I guess I was trying to focus on the positive.

I know that I need to move out. I get that, but our current situation has been working, for the most part. Sometimes I enjoy it and it's reassuring, but other times it's hard and very confusing.

Giada, have you made any headway finding a live/work space?

Signed,
I Don't Really Want to Talk About It


From: Giada
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Wow
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

Not really. But I think I'm looking more as an exercise than because I really want to move. It just feels good to consider my options.

I'm thinking about going off the pill. It is giving me weird brown spots on my skin and I think that it kills my desire to paint. Am I playing with fire here? I haven't talked to Curran about it, but I've brought it up in the past and he never seemed too worried.

Or maybe it's just my dumb job that's sucking the creativity out of me.

Signed,
I Was So Happy Not to Get Laid Off But Now I'm Having Second Thoughts


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Wow
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

Do you really think the pill has something to do with your lack of desire to paint? I've never heard a claim like that before, but I find it really interesting. Does it make you feel lax in other ways?

I've been on the pill for so long, I'm not sure if it's affecting me in any way (other than the way it's supposed to). I'd probably just consider it a personality trait after 14 years. Jeez, I hope I can still have kids. 14 years is a long time to be on medication.

I do remember when I first started taking the pill - I was on an emotional roller coaster for a solid month. I felt completely out of control. After a few weeks my mood stabilized, but it's a large part of the reason why I haven't messed with my prescription since. I never want to go through that again.

It's kind of funny how you have a new-found fear of babies after having wanted to start a family for awhile, and now you're considering going off the pill. Maybe, deep down, you do want kids soon and your subconscious is acting for you! I'm only kidding, but it is an interesting thought.

Signed,
Who Do I Sue if it Turns Out I'm Infertile?


From: Heidi
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Wow
To: Errin, Giada, Morgan

I hate the pill! I realize that it has been very effective in limiting my number of offspring, but it really does have a negative impact on me. I always feel much better when I'm off it.

I switched pills a few years back and had an awful reaction - I was unbelievably moody and just plain mean-spirited, and I couldn't stand myself. My doctor wanted me to wait it out, but I stopped taking the pill and switched doctors. When I went to my new doctor to discuss other birth control options, I was shocked to learn that I was pregnant with Leo! That was not a conversation I had planned on having!

Since then, I have found pills that have fewer side effects. However, my life is always better off the pill - in fact, that was a big perk for doing the surrogacy!

Giada, you should know that I have only been off the pill twice, and both times I wound up pregnant within a month! Granted, the second time was for the surrogacy and the intent was to get pregnant, but still. I have come to realize that it really is the best birth control method for me, despite the negative side effects. It's a hard decision - I'm sure you'll do what's best for you.

Signed,
No Fertility Problems Here


From: Giada
Subject: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

In truth, I think the answer is a little bit of Errin's message and a little bit of yours, Heidi. I do want kids, and not really deep down either; the desire is closer to the surface. I think my problem was more with my friend Sara's attitude. She acted like there wasn't any other option, and I realized that it is hard for me to relate to her right now, because I don't have kids. And what if I don't ever have them? Would we stop being friends? It just makes me sad that she doesn't seem to understand that a person could want something else.

You're right, Heidi - I would probably get pregnant right after I stopped taking the pill. I am pretty sure that I would feel more creative though, because I have experimented with it before. But then I would be pregnant and probably have no energy, let alone the time to paint. OK, maybe now is not quite the right time to go off the pill. But I am looking forward to the right time!

Signed,
The Brown Spots Look Like Freckles, Right?


From: Heidi
Subject: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Giada, Morgan

Now is probably not the best time for me to be talking to you. I just started my second trimester and I feel amazing!Tons of energy, lots of motivation. Honestly, if I could be 3 - 4 months pregnant all the time, I would!

I have another artistic friend who was tremendously inspired by her pregnancy and birth - although, I must say that becoming a mom has changed her a lot. I do find it hard to relate to her at times. That may sound strange, considering that I am a mom too, but we seem to have very different parenting styles and priorities. I guess my point is that even if you do have kids, you may discover that you and Sara are still drifting apart.

Signed,
One of Those Annoyingly Perky Pregnant People


From: Morgan
Subject: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Giada, Heidi

Heid, I'm glad you're feeling so great, but I have a friend who's also in her second trimester and she's been just miserable throughout her entire pregnancy. I keep telling her how amazed I am at the differences between your two experiences. She asked me to pass this along:

From: Morgan's Friend
Subject: FW: Please send this to your friend too
To: Morgan

I am 4.5 months pregnant now, well beyond the point where I'm supposed to stop feeling sick. I'm still really sick. Really, really sick. I throw up at least twice a day. I estimate that I've thrown up approximately 211 times since I got pregnant, including this morning.

Everybody says that it will get easier, and it has. I used to throw up five times a day.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy I'm having a baby. I think of my little girl every day. I sing to her and rub my belly and tell her that I love her. But it is not easy. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. (I've done three Ironmans, one with a torn Achilles. I've done one 100-mile mountain bike race without training. I've recovered from a bike wreck that smashed my face and left me without feeling in my cheek for more than two years. I have survived the deaths of my beloved stepfather and my best friend. I know what hard is.)

I also know that I will be happy to have just one baby, because I sure as hell am not going through this again. Ever.

Signed,
Puking in Park City

From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

All I've got to say to that is: Damn.


From: Heidi
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Giada, Morgan

Wow! No wonder some people look at me like I am a saint for carrying someone else's child. Honestly, if pregnancy was at all challenging for me, I would never have considered being a surrogate.

Morg, I cannot believe all that your friend has to deal with. That’s awful. I'm a little embarrassed now for gloating about how wonderful I feel. (Although, I really do feel fantastic!) Don’t get me wrong, I am dreading that last month of pregnancy – it is no fun at all, but it doesn't last that long. (Remind me I said all this when I complain about being miserable at 8-and-a-half months pregnant).

Honestly, my biggest problem with this pregnancy is explaining to everybody that I won't be keeping the baby.

Signed,
Just the Incubator


From: Giada
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

I can see how that would be a challenge. I guess some people will have a problem understanding your decision. But Patrick and Leo are okay with it, right? And they're the most important people.

How did your boss take the news?

Signed,
Slightly in Awe of You


From: Heidi
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Giada, Morgan

My boss is fine with it. I ran it past her before I got pregnant, and she was remarkably cool about it. But because I'm so visible at my job, and because I work with kids and parents, I know I'm going to get a lot of questions about the pregnancy. And some people will certainly not understand my decision. My boss actually suggested that we make an FAQ poster and hang it above my desk so that I don't have to keep explaining myself.

Patrick and Leo have been very understanding. Leo was a little bummed out at first not to be getting a sibling, but after we talked about how babies cry all the time and need so much attention, he sort of lost interest. And Patrick has been great. Very respectful, very "your body, your choice".

The person who's having the most trouble with it so far is my mom. For one thing, she's upset that she's not going to have another grandchild, but she's also not-so-okay with the fact that I'm doing this for a gay male couple. And the interesting thing is, it's not so much because they're gay, but it's because they're two men. She really believes that a baby needs a mother.

I was surprised and a little sad to learn that she felt that way.


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

I'm glad your boss is so cool with this. Although, if you think about it, it's probably the ideal situation for an employer. You're getting outside insurance and you don't need maternity leave. Jackpot.

I'm sorry about your mom though. Have you explained to her your reasons for doing this?

By the way, what exactly are your reasons for doing this?

Signed,
Just Curious


From: Heidi
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Giada, Morgan

It's pretty simple. I never really intended to have kids, but then Leo came along and he's been such a joy to me, such an amazing part of my life. And my pregnancy was so easy, it almost felt like I'd cheated, you know? So many women have fertility problems or difficult pregnancies, and I had neither. Plus, my mom needed fertility assistance to conceive Morgan and I, and I grew up with an awareness that I wouldn't be alive without medical intervention.

Then a year or two ago Morgan and I were talking about babies and biological clocks, and she mentioned that she was worried that she might not be able to have a kid when her chance rolled around. And I just said, "I'll be your surrogate." I said it without really thinking it through, but I've been thinking about it ever since, and I realized that I really wanted to do it. Not for her, necessarily (although I'll still be your surrogate if you need me, Morg), but for somebody who couldn't have kids of their own. Like a gay male couple!

I know some people will think I'm doing it for the money - and don't get me wrong, the compensation is nice - but that's not why. It just feels like something meaningful that I can do, something important to me.

Signed,
Funny Where Life Will Lead You


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

That's pretty incredible, Heidi. And whether you intended to or not, I bet you're going to teach a lot people about selflessness and tolerance as you go through this experience. I'm very proud of you!

Morgan, how do you feel about the whole thing?

Signed,
She Asked Delicately


From: Morgan
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Giada, Heidi

I guess I felt a little wistful at first, knowing that I wasn't going to be an aunt again. I mean, it is a little strange watching your sister go through a pregnancy and knowing that there won't be a baby at the end. (Well, there will be - just not for our family.) But it's something that Heidi really wants to do, and I respect that.

I do think it's too bad that she can't bike the Tour de Cure with me this year though.

Signed,
I Can Get Over the Baby Thing, But I'm Kind of Pissed That I Lost My Riding Partner


From: Giada
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

I'm proud of you too, Heidi!

This is a very interesting email chain we have going on here. It should be a book or a film. You can't make this stuff up.

Signed,
Do You Think Drew Barrymore Would Play Me in the Movie?


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

Or a TV series. The new Thirtysomething.

You know Giada, I never saw the resemblance between you and Drew Barrymore until you brought it up, but now it's undeniable. I bet she would play you. She would probably also hang out with us and we would become great friends. I see it all happening.

Signed,
I Want Halle Berry to Play Me


From: Morgan
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Giada, Heidi

Who would play me and Heidi? Don't say the Olsen twins.

Signed,
I Can't Think of Any Other Hollywood Twins


From: Giada
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I'm changing the subject
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

How about Katherine Heigl in split-screen? You know, Parent Trap style?

Signed,
Ha, The Olsen Twins


From: Errin
Subject: But seriously
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

That could work!

In all seriousness though, we do have some pretty interesting story lines happening here: pregnancy, relationships, career, home-ownership... Would you guys mind if I blogged about it? I'd probably use some stuff verbatim, right out of our emails. But I'd change your names if you'd like.

Of course, some people might figure out it's you, Heidi, when I mention the whole surrogacy thing.

It's just a thought. I won't do it if anybody's less than comfortable with it.

Signed,
I'll Make You Famous


From: Morgan
Subject: RE: But seriously
To: Errin, Giada, Heidi

I'm okay with it, I think - I don't see why I shouldn't be. Happy writing!


From: Giada
Subject: RE: RE: But seriously
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

I don't mind. Take it away! I don't care if you use my real name or make up a name for me.


From: Heidi
Subject: RE: RE: RE: But seriously
To: Errin, Giada, Morgan

Feel free to blog about me. Like Giada said, I don't care if you use my real name or create a fabulous fake one.


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: But seriously
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

It might get kind of personal. I'm probably going to include all that stuff about the pill.


From: Giada
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: But seriously
To: Errin, Heidi, Morgan

Oh. Maybe you should change our names then.


From: Morgan
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: But seriously
To: Errin, Giada, Heidi

Hmm. Yeah, maybe you should.


From: Errin
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: But seriously
To: Giada, Heidi, Morgan

Consider it done.