It's not you, it's me

It's over, baby.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I've been trying to break up with you for months. Every time I tried, the words would die in my throat. So I had to spit it out. This relationship has run its course, Cheese. I'm going back to being a vegan.

Please don't look at me like that. It's not you, it's me. Really. You're just as delicious as you ever were, but I've changed. My ass has gotten bigger. My skin is not as smooth. Your love is wreaking havoc on me baby, and I've got to put an end to it.

Come on now, you knew this wouldn't last. I was a vegan when you met me earlier this year at that wedding. You flounced by me on your little cheese plate and my resolve broke; I had to have you. What else was I going to do? There was no wedding reception, just a 7-course meal. Was I supposed to sit there for 3 hours and pretend I didn't see you? Jesus, I'm not made of stone! Life is for living, I told myself, and dammit, I was going to live.

And it was a beautiful affair, babe, it really was. I've enjoyed you so much these past several months. We had some good times, didn't we? Like the holidays? Ooh...Your mac n' cheese makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Remember when I mixed you in with some of Cousin Punky's sweet potatoes? Mmm! Sends a shiver through me! Damn, you were tasty. And you always reheated so well.

But baby, you made me weak. I couldn't stop with you; I had to have other dairy. I started eating bagels with cream cheese again. Milk chocolate candy bars. Come on, don't pretend you didn't know about it. Just last week I put sour cream on your nachos! And I hadn't had sour cream in years - you see what you've done to me?

I've started to feel the effects. I can't sing the way I want to; I'm all phlegmy. I wheeze a little bit when I walk up the stairs. And I must be the only marathon runner who's put on weight during training.

You see why this has got to stop?

You're no good for me, baby. And even though I love you, I can't let you bring me down.

Don't cry, please don't. You'll find somebody else in no time. A tasty little treat like you? Shoot, you've probably got 'em waiting in the wings. I noticed Monte had his eye on you the other night.

But this is where you and I say goodbye.

Give me one last Hershey's kiss for the road.