On the balls of my feet

I haven't been blogging much lately and I'm starting to feel kind of bad about that. I thought I'd explain to you why.

You see, a couple of weeks ago Monte unwittingly posed me a challenge. I think we were talking about how I should be kicking off my singing career. He said offhandedly, "You should release an album this year."

To which I responded, "That's ridiculous. You don't just release an album in a year. I'm ages away from that."

He shrugged, and that was the end of the conversation.

But you know, he got me thinking.

It doesn't have to be anything spectacular, I mused. I could just record something within the next year, just to get myself going. I mean, even if it's a crappy first effort, that wouldn't matter; at least it would be something. Surely I could manage that within a year, right?

So a few days later I announced to Monte that I would present him with a recording come Valentine's Day next year. It will be my gift to him.

I felt really good about that declaration! For about 24 hours. Then I realized I had no idea what to do next.

Meanwhile, my friend Jonah (the selfsame Jonah of blog entries past) emailed me: Hey, when are you going to send me some lyrics? For I had mentioned to Jonah that I know I can write lyrics, but I'm stumped about writing music. He plays guitar, and he graciously offered to help me pen a tune.

Oh, right! I responded. I've been meaning to get on that! I'll have them to you by next Friday.

And lo and behold, I did.

I sat down every day for a week and started churning out these lyrics that had been floating around in my head for ages. It was kind of frustrating because the song would only come out a little bit at a time. But after a solid week of work, I'd actually finished.

And I felt so good about that, I decided to complete a song every week! After all, I'd just proved to myself that it was only a matter of carving out the time! The songs are in there. I just have to draw them out.

The second piece was harder to come by than the first. Around Wednesday I got fed up and put it aside in favor of a third song. I finished neither that week, but resolved to wrap them both up by the end of Week 3.

Instead what happened was that Thursday of Week 3 found me stressed and depressed. I realized that I didn't really know what I was doing. I vaguely understood that I was working really hard in a manner that was not very productive, just spinning my wheels. And the unexpected side effect was that I had no interest in writing for my blog - in fact, I barely thought about it - because I was so wrapped up in these going-nowhere songs.

So I took a few days off. OK, more like a week. A week and half, tops. I got a pedicure.

And I started signing up for a lot of classes. Belly dancing. Zumba. Beginning Sewing. Swimming. Yoga. Songwriting. I pondered Ceramics but decided to hold off on that for awhile.

You're probably wondering why I would bother with anything other than the Songwriting class, but I was floundering. I know that I work better when I'm busy and I was trying to stimulate my brain creatively, even through an indirect approach. Plus, I want to make a wrap-around skirt to wear over my yoga and belly dance clothes. And when else am I going to have the time to do all this? I should be making the most of this time off!

Did that sound a little defensive? Maybe it was. Truthfully, in the back of my mind I wondered how Monte feels about supporting my creative whimsy. A few days later I found out.

"Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you've got enough drive for a singing career," he said to me the other night. "Do you want it bad enough? I want to see you succeed, but I can't support you indefinitely."

I waited for that to sting, but he'd only said what I'd been suspecting he felt.

"Let me ask you," I said, "Do you think I've got the talent for this?"

"There's no question of that," he replied. "Absolutely, I do."

"Okay," I said, nodding thoughtfully. "I don't know how to convince you that I have the desire and the drive to do this. Sometimes I fear that I don't have the necessary talent, but if you believe in me and my friends believe in me, then it's easier to believe in myself. I want to do this. I just don't know how. I am lost. I feel like I'm on the balls of my feet, ready to launch myself forward, but I don't know which direction to go. When those doors open up in my head, when I figure out just what to do, I am ready to work so hard. I just don't know how to get started. I don't know what I'm doing.

"But I hear you," I told him. "I can't even begin to thank you for the gift of this time. I know it won't last and I want to make the most of it."

We sat in silence for a few moments.

"There's more, isn't there?" I asked. We'd been talking about marriage earlier and I segued back to that topic. "It's not just financial, the reason why you don't want to get married right now? Are you feeling like you want to wait until I'm in a more stable place in my life?" After seven and a half years together I wasn't fearful that this signaled trouble in our relationship. But we've been talking about marriage for ages and still haven't done it; it seems there's always a reason to wait.

"I just want us to be coming from a place of equal partnership," he said finally. "And we've waited this long...why not wait until it's right?" He sighed. I sighed. I fully respected what he had said. But both of us are longing to get on with our lives.

"The trouble is, sometimes you can wait too long, and then it's too late." He looked at me seriously. I felt an odd mixture of sadness and determination. There's been a lot of give and take in our relationship over the years, times when one of us would stand so the other one could lean. He's standing for me now.

"It's late," he said. "Let's go to bed." He pushed himself up from the kitchen table and reached out his hand to pull me out of my seat. He switched off the light as we left the room.

I lay in bed thinking: It's on me.

So what do you do when you don't know what to do?

I guess you ask for help.

You ask the people who might know, you ask the people who might not know, you ask the Universe, you ask God. You ask, you listen, you plan, you act.

I write this as my declaration to ask, listen, plan, act. I'm asking the Universe, I'm asking God (who are probably one and the same, but you never know), I'm asking you for help.

I've got to figure out how to make things happen.

If for no other reason than because I want to marry that man.